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I am crazy about this guy who has a girlfriend of 5 years (I think) in the Philippines. Although we have both already agreed to let whatever-this-thing-is-between-us go, I still am hung up on the dude.
It started out like all normal friendship. I was recovering from a relationship that ended because of distance (and a third party that involved another man from his side) and he was just there for me. Apart from the lingering handshake and the occasional touching of the arms, the connection between us was nothing physical. We were partners, emotionally and spiritually. And I couldn’t go through a day without knowing what went on with his. My world was his world. And I guess I was entirely to blame because I allowed myself to fall. Although I knew I was special to him, I knew that he wouldn’t allow himself to fall for me because he already had someone else.
He is on leave at the moment, vacationing in the Philippines to be with his family and the love of his life. Before he left, we had our usual bonding time talking about life and being happy in general. I was happy for him, because after 21 months of being away he is finally going home. I was sad for me, because I was going to miss him and I knew he would be with ‘her’. He said he would miss me and that he would always think of me.
A month before his scheduled leave, I made a mistake of telling him I loved him. No, I did not say I had feelings for him or that I liked him. I told him I LOVED HIM. And that it is so hard to be content with just being friends. He said that I was his most beloved friend and if only things were different, he wouldn’t have hesitated to be ‘the guy’ for me. But he already had someone. And he had principles and that he couldn’t do anything else but stick to those principles…
That night I told him I loved him for the first and last time. I cried myself to sleep and I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him anymore. But guys are rational beings. And I was the only person emotionally affected. Even if I tried to ignore him, he would say hey. He would try to act the same normal irritating midget that he was. He sent me an SMS asking if we could be just like before because he is having a hard time not having anything to do with me. I was so much a part of his life that he didn’t want to let go of that. I said, if ever he needs me, I will always be here.
I continued to ignore him after that message. He gave up trying to get the way we were back eventually. I did my best to fight off the feeling of wanting to be in his life.
Until two nights before he was going to go…
It was Thursday. (Thursday night is Choir practice for us and usually we sleep over afterwards and played Ping-Pong till we die) He shook my hand really tight that night when he saw me and said that he was looking for me. I told him I was just there, busy. We had choir practice and when everyone left, we played table tennis. Now everyone else was tired but I had too much chocolate and soda in my system which got me all hyper and I guess he was excited about leaving that he couldn’t sleep anymore. We played 5 games (I beat him in 4) and I told him to go to sleep. He asked me if I was going to sleep, I told him i’m too energized to sleep.
So I got a chair and sat down at the Ping-Pong table with a box full of stuff we had to organize and started to work. He sat with me and started talking. I asked him if he was excited about leaving. He said he wished he didn’t have to go back and that he was happy here. I told him that I know he would be happier there. He said ‘di siguro’ (I don’t think so). And I told him that it’s a great feeling that someone you love and loves you is waiting for you but nothing beats being reunited with that someone. (Secretly I was wishing his girlfriend would break up with him and he would come back to me. and I would be fixin’ his broken heart).
He kept denying that he would have a great time, (which comforted me at some levels) but I knew he would have the time of his life and that he would hate coming back… He would hate coming back to me)
At four in the morning, the effect of the sugar started to wear off and I told him that we should really go to sleep. He said he missed spending time with me like this. I told him I guess we were both just busy. He said I was just out of reach all the time. I knew he was right.
The next morning, he wore the shirt I gave him for Christmas. It was the last day I was going to see him. We didn’t talk. And I was sad about that.
The day he was leaving he called me and I gave him some tips about traveling. We laughed most of the conversation and I told him not to forget me. And he promised he wouldn’t.
5 minutes before his plane took off he sent me an sms telling me that he would miss me. my heart broke but I knew that what he said would change as soon his plane lands in Manila.
Right now, he is probably with her, renewing whatever commitments they made to one another, vowing to wait until the time is right… making plans to make babies in the future… roasting marshmallows in the summer heat… having the time of their lives… the thought of me erased from his mind…
I have learned that saying how you feel does not necessarily make things better, most of the time it makes things awkward and weird. It does not magically make someone realize that they actually think you are right. It just lets them know that you have these crazy ideas in your head. Taking chances does not really mean you would win. It only means you were brave enough to do something about your life. I wanted him to love me back and I took the chance by telling him.
I didn’t win. But I was brave.
It was a stupid time to pick being brave though but at least I was brave.
Tags: love, lost, life
rheytard has blogged 2
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